Calling

I feel the calling but I feel unworthy. Who am I that I should be able to proclaim the Gospel or do anything for the Kingdom?

I feel the calling but I have screwed up in my life so many times and so badly that I know that God could call somebody much more qualified than I.

I feel the calling but I am so afraid.

I feel the calling but what about my family? Does this calling mean that I need to take my wife and children away from their extended families? Does this mean that my children will be raised in an unfamiliar culture with an unfamiliar language that they must learn?

I feel the calling and I want to answer but I am unsure as to how and not confident that I really want to. I do want to but I am afraid. I am afraid for all of the reasons I have already mentioned. I am afraid because what if people find out who I really am? What if they find out about the things that I struggle with? What if they find out about the things that I have done - some things that only I and God know about. Can I be effective? There's the issue...

I cannot be effective. I cannot be the light into the darkness. Why? Because I am continually running to the darkness. As a child of light I am still drawn to the darkness. We are to let our light shine before men but I am afraid that if my light shines then others will see the defects and that's a scary thing.

I cannot be effective but I know the One who can be and He lives in me. I am afraid to go but I know the One who will give me, and all of my family, the support and comfort that we need.

I have often wondered what the world (or our faith) would be like if men like Edwards, Calvin, Luther, etc. remained comfortable and they ignored the calling of God. I am sure that He would have used somebody else. I am sure that if I don't answer this call then He will find somebody who will. Is this the faith that I want? Is this the way that I show my love for my Lord and my God? By no means. Jesus didn't remain comfortable and neither should I (or you). It's time to answer that call...Now I just need to learn how.

Blessings

Today is Julia's 4th birthday. She was so excited this morning. She woke up early and came downstairs with a big smile on her face. I can't imagine life without Julia. I can't imagine a day without her.

5 years ago we found out that Melissa was pregnant. The doctor told us that she was approximately 5 weeks along and all looked good. We then went back for another check up and learned that there were some problems. The baby was not any bigger. After a series of tests and doctors appointments we were told that Melissa had a miscarriage and the baby did not survive.

Wow. This hit like a ton of bricks. A lot of thoughts went through my mind. Confusion. Frustration. Sadness. Hope. Rest. No matter what I did I couldn't understand. And I still don't. And I don't have to.

Today is Julia's 4th birthday. If we didn't have that miscarriage Julia would not be with us today. I wouldn't trade that for the world. Sometimes you have to go through sorrow to understand joy. Sometimes the difficult times of life are there to make the other times better.

This isn't to say that every difficult time is followed by blessings. Often times we can't see the eternal purpose of events in our lives. But sometimes we can. But when we realize that God is in control and He loves us more than we can possibly imagine things get easier. When we combine that with our experiences of seeing blessings through the storms of life we remember just how much God loves us!